Goat of Tsushima will release this holiday season on all consoles
In a move that has the gaming world both scratching its head and preordering blindly, the minds behind Goat Simulator have announced an unexpected crossover with Ghost of Tsushima. That’s right. Brace yourselves for “Goat of Tsushima” the open world feudal Japan chaos simulator you absolutely did not ask for but now desperately need.
Forget stealth. Forget honor. Forget the katana. You’re a goat now. And your mission? Total. Anarchy.
“We wanted to take the noble emotionally resonant themes of Ghost of Tsushima and then ram them in the face with a goat” said creative director Bjorn Headbuttsson while standing atop a burning haiku shrine. “Imagine the elegance of samurai swordplay but with hooves”
Players will gallop flip scream and fart their way across the islands of Tsushima engaging in epic battles with Mongol invaders rice farmers and the occasional unsuspecting chicken. Instead of a horse you ride a slightly smaller goat. Instead of a katana your main weapon is sheer unhinged enthusiasm and a headstrong approach to diplomacy. Literally.
And in a turn of events that somehow doesn’t surprise anyone anymore Jack Black is in talks to voice the goat.
This news comes hot on the heels of Black’s controversial but somehow genius casting as Link in the upcoming Legend of Zelda movie. According to early reports Black is expected to bring “emotional depth comedic range and a disturbing amount of goat noises” to the role.
“Jack Black is the goat” said one developer deadpan before dissolving into hysterical laughter and kicking over a tea ceremony set.
Insiders say the game will feature a full musical sequence written and performed by Black titled “Bleat of Vengeance” described as “Tenacious D meets Kurosawa with a touch of barnyard panic”
While some fans were initially skeptical about the direction the trailer’s release featuring the goat headbutting a Mongol off a cliff while screaming “YAAAAH” in Jack Black’s voice has already gone viral.
The game is set to drop this holiday season and is already being hailed by tech analysts as a “system seller” right alongside Elder Scrolls VI and Excel Spreadsheet Edition 2025. Rumors suggest a Goat of Tsushima movie is also in development with Jack Black attached to star direct and possibly live as a goat for the method acting experience.
Gaming has changed. History has changed. Jack Black is gaming now.
Coming soon. Goat of Tsushima. Horns up. Honor down.
-Buckley Shinsmack