Jack Black cast as Link in upcoming Legend of Zelda movie
In a move that has both baffled fans and delighted studio accountants, Nintendo and Illumination have just announced their boldest casting decision yet: Jack Black will play Link in the upcoming Legend of Zelda animated movie. Not only that, but the character will be modeled after his actual likeness. Yes, you heard that right. Link is now 5’6”, bearded, and rocks cargo shorts.
“I know what you’re thinking,” said one Nintendo executive while swimming in a pool of gold coins. “‘Link doesn’t talk much,’ or ‘Jack Black looks nothing like Link,’ or ‘Why is Link singing?’ But let me remind you: Jack Black is box office gold.”
Sources say the new version of Link will feature four whole pages of dialogue, which is approximately four pages more than he’s spoken in the last 35 years. Also, in a move sure to please absolutely nobody, Link will perform an original high-octane rock ballad titled “Master Sword to the Face.” Early reports describe it as a cross between Tenacious D and whatever Ganondorf hears during a migraine.
And it doesn’t stop there.
Rumors suggest the studio has entered preliminary talks to cast Jack Black as Kratos in a God of War animated film, Marcus Fenix in Gears of War, and yes, even Master Chief, who will now be a lovable space goofball that plays guitar and occasionally screams “Rocktagon!” before boarding a Pelican.
“Why stop with one video game icon?” asked one producer while setting fire to a pile of fan letters. “With animation, anything is possible. Jack Black is the MCU of gaming cinema now.”
Anyway. The Legend of Zelda movie is slated for 2026. Until then, keep your rupees close, and your expectations low. Stay woke, Videoland!
-Hollie Wood