James Gunn’s Superman triggers alarming spike in “canine intimacy curiosity,” thanks to Krypto
James Gunn’s Superman is making waves at the box office and apparently in basements across the country. Ever since the film’s release, Krypto the Super-Dog has become a surprise breakout star. Charismatic, loyal, digitally rendered to perfection, and according to new data, the subject of some deeply concerning late-night internet behavior.
Relationship startup PawSession, a deeply obscure app banned in 14 countries and somehow still available on Android, has reported a shocking 513 percent increase in searches for explicit dog stuff since Superman’s release. Marketed as a platform for people seeking emotionally fulfilling, legally ambiguous pet companionship in jurisdictions where such unions are frowned upon but not technically criminal, PawSession has long operated in the shadows of the app store.
Originally developed as a community for alternative human-animal partnerships, PawSession gained a cult following in select rural regions, international waters, and one particularly lawless corner of the internet known only as The KibbleNet. Users are required to sign a lengthy waiver that includes terms like non-traditional bonding, inter-species etiquette, and scent consent. One section simply reads, in bold red letters, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS. RIGHT?
App founder Dr. Morticia Pawslova, claims the Krypto phenomenon has pushed user activity to record-breaking levels of explicit pawthusiasm. Some people meet at bars. Others meet in meadows. PawSession users meet at midnight in animal shelters with pre-approved notarized forms and rubber gloves. Who are we to judge.
According to the app’s recent data, the increase in risqué searches was followed closely by a rise in phrases like doggy style near me, can dogs feel attraction, and an oddly specific 299 percent jump in schnauzer intimacy bonding. Krypto, who appears to be some sort of heroic terrier and schnauzer blend, has clearly become the blueprint for emotionally complicated crushes.
Dr. Pawslova warns that this recent boom in Krypto-driven bonding might be temporary and as fans we can only hope this new trend will fade faster than a speeding bullet. She also reminded us that this is not the first time Gunn’s work has unlocked something primal in viewers. His 2023 film Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 sparked waves of empathy toward genetically modified rodents. One Reddit post titled Pocket Rocket was quickly deleted by moderators and flagged by Homeland Security.
Experts are urging caution. People tend to anthropomorphize animals they see in movies, said one behavioral scientist who asked to remain anonymous due to recent death threats from a Krypto-themed fan account. But when audiences start whispering good boy during romantic scenes and downloading niche forums with VPNs, we may be entering an ethically gray territory. Like chartreuse.
As part of its promotional campaign, Warner Bros partnered with Best Friends Animal Society to waive pet adoption fees for ten days. While many adoptions were perfectly normal, a few applicants reportedly asked if their chosen pup needed a safe word or had an opinion on commitment.
Superman is in theaters now. Adopt responsibly, love cautiously, and maybe seek help if you find yourself searching certain animal laws. And if your dog is giving you that look, take a walk. Alone.
Maxxximus McNibble