Man caught seeing the new Smurfs movie blames Covid
In what can only be described as a desperate act of social survival, local moviegoer Brent Malone is now blaming Covid for his regrettable decision to see The Smurfs (2025), a film currently holding a Rotten Tomatoes score lower than most airport bathroom Yelp reviews.
Brent was allegedly spotted by a friend exiting a local theater on Tuesday night. When confronted, he panicked and claimed he thought he was seeing Dune 3 again and must have entered “the wrong theater because of lingering neurological symptoms from a March COVID case.”
Witnesses, however, tell a different story.
“He bought tickets in advance and even got the collector’s cup with Papa Smurf’s head as the lid,” said assistant manager Tanya Gelman. “You don’t accidentally do that.”
Friends say Brent had previously mocked the idea of a Smurfs reboot, calling it “capitalist blue nonsense” in a group text just last month.
“I don’t even remember buying the ticket,” Brent said, visibly sweating. “I had Covid in the spring, and ever since then I sometimes black out and just… end up at the movies. I also accidentally watched Paw Patrol 2 that way. It’s a medical thing.”
Medical professionals, meanwhile, confirmed that Covid does not typically include spontaneous children’s movie attendance, solo, at 9:45 p.m. “Unless he’s been taking methylene blue,” one neurologist noted, “this sounds like a cooked up story.”
When asked if he stayed for the whole film, Brent replied, “Well, I had to. My car keys were… lost. Yeah. In the theater. I dropped them. Also Covid. And the popcorn was… blue. I couldn’t resist.”
In related news: local theater employee reports spike in “Covid-related” Garfield 3D ticket purchases, all by grown men trying to avoid Superman spoilers.
-Cameron Garglebluff