Minecraft movie fans now sacrificing live chickens in theaters
In what can only be described as the weirdest cultural movement since people started eating Tide Pods, the new Minecraft movie has gone from pixelated fun to full-blown poultry-based panic. What started as kids throwing popcorn and screaming “CHICKEN JOCKEY!” at the screen has now escalated into something far darker, and… feathery.
At first, it was cute. A generation raised on YouTube and chaos began cheering during Jack Black’s now-iconic “Chicken Jockey!” scene, a moment that apparently stirs something primal in Gen Alpha. In the game, a Chicken Jockey is an extremely rare spawn, featuring a baby zombie riding a chicken like a cursed rodeo champion. Spotting one in the wild is like winning the Minecraft lottery, which is probably why seeing it on the big screen triggered mass hysteria. Theaters were pelted with popcorn, and ushers were last seen huddled behind concession counters whispering prayers to AMC gods.
But now? Now it is just The Wicker Man with better concessions. At an undisclosed theater in the Midwest (because, let’s be honest, it was probably Ohio), a group of overly enthusiastic fans smuggled a live chicken into the screening. Not for emotional support. Not as a cosplay accessory. No. They sacrificed it. One stunned theater employee recounted the scene:
“There was screaming, feathers, blood… the 3D glasses didn’t help. It was like watching Hereditary but with more poultry. Animal control was called. An exorcist was consulted. A nearby Chick-fil-A briefly shut down out of respect.”
In a baffling but totally predictable response, some theaters have embraced the chaos. Select showings have now been rebranded as “CHICKEN JOCKEY 666: 3-D HELL BLOCK EDITION,” which are described as “more animated than usual” and “BYOC (Bring Your Own Chicken).”
Participating venues are hiring extra staff trained in both poultry handling and medieval blood rites. Moviegoers attending these screenings must now sign waivers and wear ponchos. Think Gallagher, but for dark rituals and Minecraft lore.
Where are kids getting this idea? A new theory suggests that a backmasked track on Tenacious D’s latest album (Jack Black’s band, for the uninitiated) contains a hidden message. According to one attendee who was covered in blood and feathers:
“If you play track seven backward and squint real hard, you can hear Jack Black whisper, ‘Sacrifice the chicken… the End Portal awaits…’ It’s beautiful.”
Music scholars have neither confirmed nor denied this, mostly because they don’t want to get involved.
However, despite the clucking chaos, Minecraft has made an absolute fortune at the box office. Director Jared Hess, speaking from behind what we assume is a very large wall of legal disclaimers, called the experience “heartwarming.”
“It’s just nice to see people coming together again,” Hess said. “Sure, there’s feathers. Sure, there’s blood. But in a post-pandemic world, this is what unity looks like.”
As of now, the Minecraft phenomenon shows no signs of slowing down. Theaters are selling out. Chickens are on high alert. And fans? They are already crafting their next offering in Creative Mode. So if you are planning to see Minecraft, maybe leave the chicken at home… or at least make sure it signs a waiver.
Cinema is back. And this time, it is clucking insane.
by Kernel Redenbacher, Cinema Cultist Correspondent