Neuralink joins bidding war for Warner Bros.
In a development that has media analysts and comic book nerds screaming “called it!” in unison, Neuralink has reportedly joined a heated bidding war to acquire Warner Bros. Discovery. The stated reason? To bypass streaming services altogether and beam Warner Bros. films and television directly into consumers’ brains.
According to leaked internal documents, the program, code-named Project Holy Cerebellum, Batman!, would allow users to experience Warner Bros.’ vast library not on a screen but pulsed directly into their neurons. Early test subjects allegedly woke up with perfect recall of Casablanca, an unshakable urge to hum the Looney Tunes theme, and one participant who still believes he is Frodo Baggins.
The announcement has already drawn comparisons to the 1995 Joel Schumacher film Batman Forever, in which Jim Carrey’s Riddler invents a machine to project television directly into the minds of Gotham’s citizens. At the time, audiences laughed at the absurdity. Now, industry experts are debating whether Carrey should receive retroactive credit as Neuralink’s co-founder.
“If you think HBO Max is confusing, just wait until HBO Cortex drops,” said one anonymous Warner Bros. executive, who noted that under Neuralink, subscription tiers would be based on which lobe of your brain you’d like content stored in. “For $14.99 a month, you’ll get the frontal lobe package with prestige dramas. But for only $5 more, you can unlock the hippocampus add-on, which gives you permanent memory of every Scooby-Doo episode.”
Critics warn the technology may have dangerous side effects. Test users who streamed The Dark Knight directly into their nervous systems were unable to stop repeating “Why so serious?” for three consecutive days, while others who binged Friends developed an uncontrollable urge to clap four times during mundane conversations.
Despite concerns, consumers are already buzzing about what this could mean for entertainment. Imagine reliving The Matrix as a lived memory, complete with simulated kung fu skills and poorly-aged leather trench coats. Picture having every season of Succession downloaded into your subconscious, so you can experience your own father’s disappointment in 4K Ultra Neural Definition. Even DC’s most controversial films could find redemption: experts say Batman v Superman is “actually pretty decent” if injected directly into the cerebellum alongside three milligrams of dopamine.
Life, it seems, is not just imitating art, it’s ripping art off wholesale. Jim Carrey’s Riddler once asked, “Was that over the top? I can never tell.” Now, with Neuralink, over the top is the business model.
As the bidding war rages on, industry insiders warn of the possibility of competing tech companies jumping into the fray. Should Tesla win control of Warner Bros., Batman may be recast as a self-driving sedan. Should The Boring Company prevail, all of Bugs Bunny’s adventures will take place inside a tunnel. And should Twitter…sorry, X…win the rights, expect Looney Tunes to be renamed Looney Takes and limited to 280 neurons at a time.
For now, Neuralink’s bold proposal leaves just one pressing question: when entertainment is streamed directly into our brains, how will we ever know when to stop watching? Or worse…what if it auto-plays Cats?
-Earl Lee Bard