The Bible actually predicted the downfall of the MCU
No one at Comic-Con saw it coming. Not the cosplayers. Not the Funko scalpers. Not even the guy dressed as a third-tier Thanos variant. But according to a recently unearthed biblical scroll, the downfall of the Marvel Cinematic Universe was foretold long ago in ancient scripture, hidden in what theologians are now calling The Lost Scroll of Kevin Feige.
The text, discovered behind an unopened Blu-ray copy of Thor: The Dark World, contains passages that scholars believe were removed from the Book of Revelation during the Council of Nicaea or possibly during a Disney shareholders’ meeting. One passage reads, “And the beast with many variants shall rise, wearing the faces of the past, and the people shall cheer. But then shall cometh the time of Great Oversaturation, and the watchers shall be weary, and the tales shall be confusing as hell.” This, of course, refers to the multiverse, a narrative device once hailed as groundbreaking and now mostly used to resurrect legacy actors and explain away continuity errors.
A newly translated line from Latveria Leviticus also rings true: “He shall shave his head, wash his garments, and return again and again as something new, and lo, the crowd shall yawn.” Experts believe this speaks directly to Marvel’s obsession with reboots.
But perhaps the most compelling part of this holy revelation comes not from the ancient scroll itself, but from a man named Dr. Ezekiel Krause, a self-declared “Nerdo-Theologian” who teaches Pop Culture Apocalypticism at a for-profit seminary in Burbank. According to Dr. Krause, the MCU’s path was mapped out not only in prophecy, but in code. “If you take every other page of the Feige scroll,” he explains, while polishing his collectors edition Iron Man helmet, “and arrange them in the shape of a hexagon, a message is revealed. It says: ‘Turn from your ways. Repent for the sin of saturation. Cancel two-thirds of your Disney+ shows and return to the Way of the Theater.’”
Krause claims to have deciphered a long-lost verse from the Book of X (citation needed) that offers hope to the faithful. “And from the ashes of Phase Seven shall rise one known as X-Men. He shall be bald and telepathic, and the people shall rejoice, and they shall forget the sins of Eternals.” Whether this means we’ll see Charles Xavier lead a revival or just more Hugh Jackman gym montages, it’s clear that the next phase could offer redemption.
There are darker verses too. One chilling line found in an alternate Dead Sea Skrull translation warns, “Ye shall be promised Secret Wars, but receive Echo instead. And the children of Iron shall be replaced with the children of confusion.” The most dire prophecy of all may be from the Book of Doom, which reads, “The mark of the beast shall be gray-toned and four hours long, and its name shall be SnyderVerse.” Krause believes this confirms what many feared: Zack Snyder is the devil, and salvation cannot be found in his slow-motion gospel.
Still, even as the world endures streaming fatigue, CGI crap, and plotlines that require ten hours of homework just to understand a single film, believers hold fast to hope. The MCU is not dead. It is merely wandering through the desert of overdevelopment, searching for the promised land of a focused story and a competent villain.
In the words of Dr. Krause, as he gazed upon a vintage Infinity War poster with tears in his eyes, “There will be a reckoning. Deadpool will be the John the Baptist of Phase X. And lo, when the sacred merger is fulfilled, and the mutants arrive, it shall be glorious. Just… no more shows about sidekicks with PTSD. Please.”
Let us pray. Let us unsubscribe. And above all, let us hope that the next phase delivers us from evil and also, maybe, from Ironheart.
Scoop by Ezra Ezekielson