The Catholic Church will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire
Vatican City - In a stunning announcement that left both the devout and the galactically inclined speechless, Pope Robert Francis emerged on the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica this morning and declared that the Catholic Church would be reorganized into the First Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society.
Flanked by an unusually somber group of Swiss Guards now cloaked in red ceremonial robes, the Pope delivered the statement with slow, deliberate pauses and theatrical gravitas. Onlookers quickly pointed out the ominous way he seemed to hover just slightly above the ground. One cardinal, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “I think I saw lightning shooting from his fingertips.”
Theological analysts around the world were quick to react. Sister Mariah Kenobius, a longtime Vatican insider, commented, “We should have seen this coming. Last Sunday, communion wafers were dispensed by probe droids”
Opposition to the restructuring was brief and poorly coordinated. Several bishops attempted to voice concerns but were immediately labeled rebels. They were chased around the Sistine Chapel by Vatican ushers in stormtrooper armor, who failed to hit anything but managed to knock over two cherub statues and a decorative font.
A Vatican spokesperson outlined several changes to Catholic life that will be implemented immediately. All nuns will wear Imperial officer uniforms but may continue carrying rulers. Mass will now be conducted in Galactic Basic, while Latin will be reserved for Sith rituals and ceremonial Ewok baptisms. The Vatican Bank is being replaced by the Death Star Treasury, which will run entirely on guilt and lightsaber donations. Confessionals are being updated with tractor beams to prevent repeat offenders from escaping before absolution. The Pope’s mitre has been redesigned to be four feet taller and now emits a low mechanical hiss upon entry.
When approached for comment, Pope Robert Francis slowly turned toward the crowd, raised one hand, and whispered, “Treason, then. So be it.” The microphone shorted out immediately afterward.
A leaked internal document titled Evangelium Sidious outlines future initiatives. These include the canonization of Darth Plagueis, recognition of Jar Jar Binks as the patron saint of chaos, and the formal acceptance of midi-chlorians as probably the Holy Spirit. The Ten Commandments are reportedly being rebranded as the Imperial Directives, although theologians are still debating how to frame “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s pod racer” in a way that sounds authoritative.
Preparations are underway for the Holy Star Destroyer to launch from Rome and enter orbit above Bethlehem before Christmas, which the Vatican describes as a move of purely symbolic dominance.
The homily for next week has already been announced. The theme is titled, The Reformation Strikes Back.
-Bobe Fettuccine