Puff Daddy’s baby oil stash mobilized to fight LA wildfires
In an unexpected turn of events, Los Angeles firefighters have turned to an unlikely hero in their battle against the relentless wildfires: confiscated baby oil from none other than Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs.
According to Senior Fireman Gary “Big Hose” Thompson, the plan was born out of sheer desperation. “We’ve been trying everything—water, foam, helicopter drops—and nothing’s working fast enough. Then I remembered Puff Daddy’s baby oil stash. It was just sitting there in the evidence lockers, shimmering like hope in the sunlight. I said to my team, ‘Let’s freak these flames into submission.’”
The fire department immediately initiated Operation Freak-Off, gathering every confiscated bottle of baby oil. These bottles were seized earlier this year during an LAPD investigation into “illegal levels of smoothness” at Combs’s private parties. Reports suggest the sheer quantity of oil could lubricate the gears of every Ferris wheel in North America.
Mayor Karen Bass authorized the handout of Puff Daddy’s trademark “Freak Off” Baby Oil to citizens, encouraging them to “slip into action.” Residents have come together in an unprecedented show of community spirit, banding together to squirt baby oil all over the raging fires. Streets are filled with people passing bottles to one another, cheering as they squirt the flames away with freaky enthusiasm.
Volunteer hotspots have sprung up across the city, with participants laughing, sliding, and occasionally falling as they squirt the fires out. “I never thought I’d use the phrase ‘slippery hero,’ but here we are,” said Kevin Nguyen, who emptied three bottles in an attempt to douse flames near his local nightclub.
When reached for comment, Puff Daddy, ever the entrepreneur, seemed thrilled about his unexpected contribution. “I always knew Freak Off Baby Oil would make people squirt. I just didn’t know it’d be in this way,” he said while preparing what he called “special edition firefighting freak kits” to sell on his website.
While unorthodox, Operation Freak-Off has proven remarkably effective. Wildfires are being contained, and sales of baby oil across California have skyrocketed. There’s even talk of adding baby oil sprayers to standard firefighting equipment in the future.
In the meantime, Los Angeles residents are continuing their efforts. The city has turned into a festival of slick streets, glimmering people, and a surprising sense of unity. If there’s one thing the fires have taught us, it’s this: nothing messes with LA when we’ve got baby oil and a dream.
Scoop by Pete McGreasin