Rockstar confirms GTA VI will launch just in time for your retirement
In an announcement that somehow managed to surprise absolutely no one, Rockstar Games has officially confirmed that Grand Theft Auto VI will be launching right around the time most of its original fans begin filing for early retirement. The statement, delivered via hologram by a Rockstar representative named Max Render (who suspiciously resembled a de-aged version of a GameStop manager), emphasized that timing was everything.
“We really wanted to make sure our most loyal players had the free time to enjoy this game,” Render explained, “You’ve waited through console generations, housing market crashes, and at least one global pandemic. What’s another couple years?”
GTA fans are now preparing for launch day by checking their blood pressure and making sure their ergonomic recliners are up to code. Retirement communities across the country are adapting fast. Shady Pines Retirement Arcade, for example, has added what they call a “Heist Room,” complete with surround sound, haptic recliners, and a nurse on standby with an IV full of Monster Energy. Activities director Barbara Hinkley expressed cautious optimism. “We canceled chair yoga,” she said. “It’s just not safe. Not since Frank figured out how to hijack a blimp and Mildred had to go into cooldown after getting five stars during group therapy.”
Gameplay details continue to leak, and fans have noticed some subtle signs of Rockstar tailoring the experience to an older crowd. Players can now activate a “Nap” function to regenerate health and suppress lower back pain. A new “Pension Mode” ensures that money comes in weekly whether you do anything or not, and an entire side quest chain involves locating lost reading glasses, attending a DMV appointment, and trying to remember why you entered a room in the first place.
Anyway, with that said, Rockstar invites everyone to purchase the definitive ultra-enhanced remastered slightly shinier next-gen mega-platinum edition of GTA V, available on every device known to man, including smart toasters and certain pacemakers.
-Welma Flintstoned